I say the words “I love you” to my family and friends often, but do I actually love them? Or do I just enjoy feeling good?
What Is Love?
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Feeling Good Is Not Love
When I say “I love you” to someone, is the definition above what I mean? I think it may often be the case that I simply like the way I feel when I’m with someone. I “love” that they love me – or at least that they make me feel good.
Deep in my heart there is such a love of self, that I have not understood how, in many ways, I have not truly loved my family, but I have loved what they do for me. My kids provide me with experiences of joy as I watch little copies of myself laugh and have fun. My kids build me up as they enjoy being around me (my wife does this for me too). They praise me and tell me they love me. It is very easy to say “I love you” to someone who does for you, so many things that make you feel good. But feeling good is not love. Love itself may indeed cause us to feel good, but the feeling itself is not love and we often mistake people or things that make us feel good for things that we love. But paradoxically, these thinks we think we love are actually things we are using and treating with the opposite of love. We may often try to draw out, or consume those good feelings from things and others like a vaccum sucks up dirt. If we aren’t careful we will suck the life out of others in an attempt to feel loved ourselves, all the while believing that we are being loving. An example might be – it makes me feel good when my children who I adore say nice things about me. As the children grow older they give less compliments to me and I miss those nice things, so I ask them to say something nice to me, or I may even attempt to manipulate them to say nice things about me. Perhaps I give them a gift and I expect kind words in return. I have fooled myself into believing that I am a loving dad, when in reality I am a dad who is sucking love from my children.
Accomplishment Is Not Love
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:3
In this single verse Paul shows a distinction between works and love. It is extremely possible, in fact even likely that I can and will do things for others that require some work or sacrifice but have no love in my heart as I do it. Examples could be charitable donations, helping a friend move over the weekend, letting a last second driver merge in front of me, etc. I may do these things out of a sense of what is right, morality, or even because it makes me feel good to say I did a good deed and accomplished something, but this is not love. Love often includes accomplishment, but the accomplishment or works itself is not love anymore than an apple is a tree. Apple trees produce apples, but apples are not the tree. In the same way, love produces work, but works are not love.
So How Do We Love?
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:4-13
We must abide in Christ. This word abide, μένω in greek (pronounced men’-o) means to stay in, to continue in, to dwell. It is used frequently in the gospels to describe people staying at a certain location. We can think of it in these terms. We must remain with Christ all day every day. Our minds, our hearts, our desires must remain fixated on Christ. Only when we stay with him can we truly love.
God Himself Is Love
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:7-8
We see here the disciple John is telling us love is from God and God himself is love. So how can we possibly hope to truly love others without him? It is not possible. God greatest commandment to humans is to love God and love people. We cannot do this without him. We must stay (abide) with him and learn from him.
Popular Culture Does Not Know Love
It is popular in society today to throw around sayings like “Love wins” or “One love” or other terms. These sayings are attempts to shorten a complex topic, feel good about a sense of one’s own morality, or win an argument. But ironically these sayings are not actually about love, but rather they are referencing an idea that has more to do with the opposite of love. These sayings are referencing a goal in pop culture to change God’s design of marriage from one woman and one man, to be almost anything else imaginable. This goal “demands it’s own way” (the opposite of love according to 1 Corinthians 13:5). To rebel against God’s design and demand your own way is closer to pride, rage, and hate than it is to love.
Jesus Is The Example Of True Love
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:4-13
Jesus in his most amazing act, in a life filled with other amazing miracles, lays down his life – he is tortured and killed – for us. He gave all he had for us, because he loves us. He loves me, and he loves you. He loved us while we were rebels against him. We do not deserve his love, yet he gives it freely anyway. This is the example of love. This is what true love looks like. Let us receive his love today and abide in him.
The King's Call 